The Problem With Pigs
by rogue-scholar07
Summary: Outtake from Learning to Breathe. So, while Andi and Leathersuit were out, they stumbled into a pet store... the title explains the rest.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own Marvel or Mattel, so I'm pretty sure that I don't own G.I. JOE or the X-Men. Virus and Leathersuit are also not mine. They belong to L13701E.**

**Dedication:**** to L13101E, who kept getting on me to write this silly oneshot.**

**So, while Andi and Steve were out on the town in chapter 53 of "Learning To Breathe", they decided to stop by the pet store. Can you say trouble? I knew ya could.**

**The Problem with Pigs**

Two teenagers and their dog strolled along the busy streets of Chicago's southside. Both earned many bruises in their fight with the colorful crusader from Cleveland, Illinois, Kid "The Kid of Rock" Razor. To the unsuspecting passerby, they looked like normal kids. The boy stood close to 5'10" and was nowhere near done growing yet. He had black-and-green-striped hair, gold eyes. He also stayed in a two-pace circle around his female companion—a girl nearly as tall as he who had deep blue eyes and blond hair with black bangs. What the public never suspected was that Steven Garrett had green scales and a gator's snout-and-tail. Or that his friend, Andrea "Andi" Creed, was really a blue-scaled hydrokinetic shapeshifter with webbed hands and feet.

Nonetheless, the mutant teen terrorists known as Leathersuit and Atlantis were sightseeing when the dog—a wolfish gray mutt named Laredo—stopped to look at a window.

"Come on, Raid, we need to move." Andi said, turning to move her dog. He looked up at her, whined, then stared at the building before him.

"Well, at least we know he can find other dogs." Steve sighed, looking at the sign (Patti's Pet Palace) above the door.

"Should we stop?" Andi looked up at the boy. He shrugged.

"Why not? Walking in this city bites anyway." Both of them walked through the door and began looking around.

"Look at all of these dogs and cats." Andi said. "And they're all so small."

"Yeah, but don't get one without some kind of certificate from a vet." Steve said. "There's been a puppy-mill problem here lately."

"I know." The girl said wryly as her dog trotted over to a cage and began whining for her attention. "Good lord, what is it now?" She said, following the leash to the dog's new spot. Right in front of a pig pen.

"A pig?" Steve blinked. "Is it even legal to keep pigs in the city?"

"Potbellies." Andi nodded. "Any other kind and you have to get a livestock permit. Need a permit for all kinds of goats, though."

"We are not getting a goat."

"Of course not. This place doesn't sell them, and I wouldn't buy one from a pet shop anyway."

"Fine, but why does your dog want pigs."

"Not all the pigs. A pig." She corrected, gesturing to a small brown piglett who'd come up next to the fence. Laredo sniffed the little thing for a moment, then began to lick it. "Aww. She's such a cute little pig. Yes you are."

"Andi, you're starting to scare me." Steve raised an eyebrow. She laughed. "Besides, how do you know it's a she?"

"Bryan's uncle/cousin Joe Bob used to raise pigs." She shrugged. "Daisy Mae—Bryan's gradma—used to take us over there all the time. Well, before he was arrested for growing pot in his back pasture."

"That boy has a weird family." He shook his head.

_No stranger than mine._ Andi thought. "At any rate, I don't think it would be nice to separate Raid from his new buddy."

"Will Zartan even allow pigs on base?" Steve asked.

"Hand me your cell, and we'll see." The blue-eyed girl grinned. The older boy sighed, and handed her his cellular phone. She punched in the number and waited. "Hey, boss? It's Andi. What? Oh, yes. We're fine. Listen, Steve and I were doing a little sightseeing and we kind of wandered into a pet store and we want to know if we can bring another animal home." She waited a moment. "No, it's not a bird. I hate birds." Steve guffawed while Andi continued her conversation. "So, can we?" Her face lit up at whatever response she received. "Yes. We know. Don't worry about it. I've had Laredo for two years and he's fine. Okay. Thank you. Bye." She hung up.

"So, we can get the pig?" Steve asked.

"We can get the pig." Andi said, lifting the little brown creature up out of the cage. "Come on, sweetie. Let's get you home."

* * *

"I still don't see why we had to get the pig a collar and a leash." Steve grumbled, lugging the package of Pig Chow up to the side entrance of the Chicago Dreadnoks' base—where the two lived.

"So we can take her for walks and not lose her." Andi stated. "Pigs are a lot like dogs, Steve. They can be housetrained, and they do tricks…"

"And they smell." He said.

"We'll give her a bath." Andi rolled her eyes. "Isn't that right, girl?" The pig grunted in agreement. "Wait! What are we going to name her?"

He thought a minute. "Brownie."

"That's it?"

"I think we should keep it simple. Besides, who doesn't like browinies?"

"Point." She grumbled, leading the two animals to the door and opening it for Steve. As they entered the garage, Burnout—a tall, muscular African-American man—shouted at them.

"About time you two got back! The others have been waiting for… what the hell is that?" He yelled.

"Brownie." Andi and Steve answered in unison.

"That ain't no brownie, that's a pig." The man said.

"She's our new pet." Andi said.

"Did Zartan okay this?" Burnout asked.

"Yeah." Andi nodded. "He said we could bring another pet home."

"Uh huh." Burnout nodded slowly. "The others are in the rec room."

"Thanks." Andi nodded, walking toward the door. As they entered the main part of the base, Regan Wyngarde, the Italian telepath known as Lady Mastermind, met them at the door.

"What's all this about a new pet? I never heard about… eeek!!" she shrieked. "It's a **pig**!"

"My ears." Steve moaned.

"Regan, calm down." Andi said. "She's clean."

"She's swine!" The other blond girl yelled. "She's filthy by proxy."

"Hey! Pigs are very clean animals. Cleaner than you, actually. And don't deny it, cause I've seen your room." Andi argued as Bryan Dukes, Texas farmboy and high-flying super-strong mutant codenamed Chaos, came up to the trio.

"When did we get a pig?" He said.

"Today." Steve said. "Don't tell me you don't like her either!"

"Com'ere, little piggy!" The brunette boy said, crouching down on the floor. "That a girl. Wow, you're a tiny little girl, ain'tcha?"

"She's a potbelly, Ry. She's supposed to be small." Andi said. "Bryan, meet Brownie. Brownie, meet Bryan."

"Come here, Brownie." Bryan said, scooping up the tiny pig. Regan recoiled away.

"You're _touching_ it?" She squeaked as Steve left to put Brownie's food away.

"Yeah." The boy said. "She's a good little pig. Isn't that right, Brownie?"

"Did I just see Steve carrying a bag of Pig Chow?" Kristen asked as she, Mitch, and Neal joined the group in the hallway. Kristen "Vampira" Mortisson, a dhampire (half human, half-vampire), possessed the mutant ability to manipulate every molecule in her body in addition to her already heightened senses, strenght, and speed. Mitch "Golem" Dukes, Bryan's little brother, was super strong and could turn his skin into rock. Finally, Neal Sharra, aka Thunderbird, could turn fly ambient heat into super-heated plasma.

"Yes." Andi nodded. "That's what Brownie eats."

"Why the hell did you bring home a pig?" Kristen demanded. "She's going to mess up my room!"

"If you would leave your door closed, she won't even be in your room!" Andi countered. "She'll be sleeping in either mine or Steve's rooms."

"Can she sleep in my room?" Bryan asked.

"Why not?" Regan said. "Your quarters are a mess anyway."

"For the last time, she will not make a mess!" Andi groaned. "She will be house trained in no-time."

"And until then, she'll make a mess." Kristen grumbled. "Just keep that thing away from me."

"Me too!" Regan huffed, storming out of the room, with Kristen following.

"Why did you bring home a pig?" Neal asked. "Not that I am complaining, but it seems an unusual pet."

"Because Laredo picked her out." Andi said. "I can't believe those two are overreacting like this."

"I certainly can." The teens looked up to see Zartan standing in the hallway. "A pig?"

"You said I could bring home another pet." Andi replied.

"I thought you meant something like a hamster." The adult stated. "Maybe even a rabbit. But not a pig."

"That's what you get for thinking." Andi said.

"And not asking questions." Neal quipped.

"Shut up." Andi hissed.

"Well, I can see it's much to late to say no now." Zartan groaned.

"Does that mean we can keep Brownie?" Mitch asked.

"Yes, you can keep Brownie." Zartan replied.

"Yay!" Bryan said, holding Brownie the piglet out Lion King-style. "Welcome home, Brownie."

"Good lord, what have I done?" Zartan groaned.

**Soo, should I make this a new chapter-fic, or leave it as is? It's all up to you guys. Let me know what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:**** The result was a 2:1 yes, so here's your next chapter. You've seen how the main team reacted to the pig, but what will Virus think? You'll have to read along to find out in…**

**The Problem with Pigs**

**2. Hey, Jealousy**

"Come on, baby. You'll sleep in here with me." Virus heard the rough, deep Texan drawl of his favorite teammate whaft from the hallway. She, in his eyes, was a goddess, even among so many other superpowered entities. The only problem was that he couldn't convince her of his unending love for her… yet.

So who the hell is she calling "baby"?

Cautiously, he stepped outside the workout room and poked his head around the corner. Seeing no-one, he tiptoed to her room. And the door was open.

"You're a good little girl, aren't you?" He heard her say.

_Good lord, did she bring home another stray animal?_ Well, she couldn't mean the dog. That creature was decidedly male and extremely protective. Not to mention rude. _Maybe I'll make a rug out of him?_ Virus smiled to himself. Animals, in his opinion, were of no use other than tracking dirt into a clean home. Which was why he balked on seeing the creature in Andi's lap.

_A PIG?? _His mind screamed. _Where the bloody hell did she get a pig? How did she sneak the bloody thing in under Zartan's nose? And why is it on her lap instead of me?_

"What the hell are you thinking?" He said loudly, causing her to twitch. She glared at him, a look which should have vaporized him instanly.

"I could ask you the same question, James." She scowled. "What are you doing? Eavesdropping? That's not polite."

"Why did you bring that thing into the house?" He asked.

"Hey, I bought her at the pet store. She's mine." The blue-eyed hydrokinetic stated. "If you don't like her, too tough. Zartan's already okayed it."

"How?" He asked.

"Never you mind, now get out of my room!" She roared. Fearing just a bit for his safety, Vincent retreated from her view, taking refuge in his own room.

"Great, not only do I have to put up with the insane iguana, but now a swine too?" He groaned. "Why does the world hate me?" By iguana, he meant their other new housemate, Steve Garrett aka Leathersuit. Unfortunately, Leathersuit's uncle was a Dreadnok, so getting rid of the boy would be problematic. And to add insult to injury, the taller mutant had already taken a mild interest in Atlantis, which she seemed to reciprocate.

"What does she see in them?" Vincent groaned. "I'm smart, I build things, I can hack into any computer on the planet.. why doesn't she pay any attention to me?" Apparently, muscles were a turn-on for the girl. Strength—raw power, to be precise—attracted her. That, alas, had always caused Vincent James to stumble. He was a geek, not a jock. It showed, even in his attempt to weight-lift this afternoon.

But what did the pig have to do with anything? _Well, if I can't convince her to take the animal back, perhaps I can turn it into a lovely roast for her._ He grinned, allowing the thought to take firm hold in his twisted mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Problem With Pigs**

**3. Unseen Talent**

Kristen prided herself in being an animal person for most of her life. She'd had dogs, cats, fish, hamsters, parakeets, and even scorpions as pets in her lifetime. But for some reason, she'd never taken a liking to pigs. In her world, they didn't belong. She was clean and organized and they were, well, livestock. Of no use except to eat. So, when Andi brought home Brownie and proudly announced that the little swine would be their new housemate, Kristen had to restrain herself from slapping her best friend in the universe.

But now was not the time to think about pigs. Now, she absolutely must find the copy of _A Tale of Two Cities_ that Zartan'd handed her and told her to read before May was over. The dhampir was nearly finished—only two chapters to go—and had packed the book with her other clothes when she came to Chicago, but alas, Charles Dickens's classic tale was nowhere to be found. She resolved that someone had taken it, but who?

Bryan and Mitch were out. They had their own reading assignments that, she was certain, they were behind on. Regan wasn't a fan of Dickens. She much preferred those cheesy dimestore romance novels with questionable titles. Neal was still behind on his English language vocabulary, and Virus and Steve didn't have reading assignments, so that left the resident bookworm: Andi.

"Better go ask where she hid it." The onyx-haired vamp muttered, pushing herself off of her bed and walking outside.

* * *

Brownie, contrary to popular belief, was not a stupid pig. In fact, Andi had already taught her to roll over, play dead, and was currently teaching the little swine to balance a rubber ball on her snout. But that wasn't all of Brownie's talents. Not by a longshot.

Fun fact: pigs, like most animals, can sense human emotion. And from her conversations with Laredo the dog, little Brownie knew exactly who disliked her and why. This bothered her, so she decided to do something about it.

She plodded softly into Kristen's bedroom and sniffed around. Clean and organized, as she'd expected. Kristen seemed like a very organized person. And from her waiting outside the door, Brownie also learned that Kristen had misplaced a book. So, she thought, why not find it and return it as a present? Maybe the strange fanged girl would like her then.

Unlike Kristen, Brownie was tiny enough to fit under the bed. And, after some rooting around, she found the square object that the humans called a "book". Using her little mouth, she bit the corner of the hard-bound object and dragged it out into the middle of the room. Then, she vanished.

She waited around for the pale girl with fangs to return. Eventually, the strange one returned, and Brownie watched from behind the door to see the human's reaction.

"I can't believe she didn't know where it was!" The dark haired female grumbled. "She knows where every other book on the base is! Why didn't she know where… hey!" Kristen exclaimed, nearly tripping over the book. Brownie forced herself to remain quiet. "It's my book! I've been looking all over the place for it! I wonder how it got out here?"

It was then that Brownie squirmed back out from under the bed. Kristen shot her a distainful look. "What are you doing in here? You live in Andi's room."

Brownie tried to tell the human what she did, but then realized that very few humans understood swine. Instead, she sat down and stared up at the girl thoughtfully.

"Did you find it for me?" Kristen asked. Brownie oinked. "I guess you must have found it under the bed, huh?" Brownie snorted and squealed with excitement. "What a good little pig you are! I didn't know Andi was teaching you to fetch."

Andi wasn't. But there was no need for the human to know. Not yet, anyway. Not until the rest of the house stopped hating her. So, Brownie allowed the human to think that it was her new 'mother' Andi's acts that lead to the finding of her book. But soon enough, she would let them know.

Brownie left the room of the strange gray-skinned girl, well aware that someone had been watching. And that someone wasn't her mother or Kristen.

* * *

Virus seethed as he watched Andi's new pet play retirever for Kristen. From his place in the girl's clock radio, he saw everything. Why was he in the radio? Well, he had been on his way to Andi's room, and something about the dhampire's dormitory called to him. That was how he arrived and why he watched the curious display of intelligence from the pig.

"That's no ordinary pig." He thought to himself. "She can't be. Not in a million years. That little thing is different. She is my rival. She will be in a nice pot roast tomorrow night."


	4. Chapter 4

**The Problem with Pigs**

**4. Helping Hogs**

The afternoon after Bryan's birthday party, the team was cleaning up the wreckage in the garage. Fred, Bryan and Mitch's brother, had already left to board his return flight to New York. First to finish her assignment, Regan Wyngarde returned to her room for some downtime. When she entered, however, she'd found that someone had trashed a section of her shelving in search of something or another. Being the calm, collected person she was, she stormed out vowing to torture her teammates until someone gave her a satisfactory answer.

Brownie, who'd watched the scene from the closet (she'd hidden from the noise and Virus), plodded out and looked at the disorganized mess of a shelf. She wasn't sure how the yellow-haired two-leg wanted it arranged, but she did know that books and trinkets lying scattered wasn't it. With a small series of grunts, she began to use her snout to re-position the books and other collectables into an orderly state, then trotted back to her "mother's" room.

Regan returned to find her shelves once again organized, not knowing the role the household's newest member had in the arrangement.

* * *

A few days later, Burn-Out and Thrasher were working in the garage, where Burn-Out had broken something by accident and began swearing vehemently in two languages. It was late evening, and most of the kids were out on a mission or finishing up homework. Which meant that no-one was around to aid them in their attempt at repairing the broken-down HISS tank that the Commander wanted fixed in two more days.

"What did you screw up now?" Thrasher asked. The black man halfway under the vehicle swore yet again.

"Stupid wiring." He grumbled. "I swear, it's like they want the piece of shit to break down!"

"Who knows anymore." The other Dreadnok shook his head.

"All I know is that I'm too big to fit any farther up under the damn thing without breaking even more stuff. "

"But if you don't fit, who's small enough to crawl under there?"

"Oink!" Both men turned to see Brownie the pig looking up at them.

"What the hell are you doing in here?" Thrasher grumbled. "Scram!"

"Hey, not so fast." Burn-Out grabbed his arm. "Look at it and tell me what you see."

"I see a swine." Thrasher growled. "I don't know what else you can see!"

"No, I mean look at it in relation to our little hole." The other man explained. Thrasher's eyes widened with understanding.

"Oh. But do you think she can play fetch with the tools?"

"She's bound to do a better job of it than you did a few minutes ago." Burn-Out snorted. "Here, piggy, piggy. I got a job for you."

Ten minutes later, the tank revved to life. Both Dreadnoks stood back and smiled.

"I'll be." Thrasher stated. "The little porker's worth something after all."

"Yes she is." Burn-Out smiled, picking up the piglet. "Yes, you're a good little piggy. You're going to be eating people food tonight." The little brown pig squealed in approval.

Meanwhile, Virus watched from one of the security cameras. He seethed with loathing and jealousy. "That is it! That little plonker is going to die!"


	5. Chapter 5

**The Problem With Pigs**

**5. Cleanup, Isle Five**

The day after Brownie's antics in the garage, Burn Out yet again had the little pig bringing him small tools. The pair were fixing the brakes on a mamoth jeep when Andi poked her head in.

"Can you think of anything we need from the store?" She asked. "Besides beer, cause I can't buy that."

"Oh no." The black man said. "Ain't no way you kids are going on your own." He groaned at the memory of the last time Thrasher and the Florida Dreadnoks went to the mini-mart.

"We're not." The girl glared back. "Zartan's going with us. I'm just making a list."

"Good for you." He answered as the Brownie oinked.

"Hey, baby." Andi cooed to the pig. "There's Momma's girl. Are you helping Burn Out fix the jeep?"

"You're distracting her from her job." The man stated.

"Which is what?" Andi asked.

"Helping me get this p.o.s. troop jeep running again." Burnout said. "Now go."

"Fine, I'm going!" Andi shouted as she walked out of the garage. As the girl left, Brownie grunted and oinked emphaticly.

"She'll be back for you later." The man said. "And don't you even think about going to the store with her." The pig oinked again. "Good God, I'm talking to a pig."

* * *

Contrary to Zartan's protests, Brownie did indeed acompany the group of four that left for the dollar store. The manager was so sauced that he never even noticed the pig entering with them.

"I never knew they had in-date food here." Steve muttered, holding up a bottle of dressing. Andi, who'd been walking next to him, shrugged.

"They have all kinds of stuff here." She said, looking down at Brownie. "Except pig toys."

"You are one strange chick."

"And yet you keep hanging out with me." She said. "Ever since that day we did the underwater training you've been acting like you've got a crush on me or something."

"I don't." The older boy countered.

"Uh huh. Then why do you keep lurking around me?"

"I'm not lurking. I'm in plain sight, thank you very much."

"You know what I meant!"

"Look, you're the first person I ever met who knows what its like to look like I do. Well, it helps that you're cute, but that's not the point. I don't like the idea of leaving you alone with that little creep Virus. He's a psycho."

"I know. But it's not your fight, it's mine. I'm the object of his "affection". I'm the one he's after. And I can kick his sorry ass all the way back to England if he doesn't behave. Now stop your worrying. Let it all go."

"Okay." He sighed, looking at the girl next to him. They both looked at the floor and realized something.

"Where's Brownie?" They asked. Some frenzied squealing was heard an isle over.

"Hang on, Baby!" Andi said as she jogged to the little pig's defense.

* * *

While Andi and Steve chatted and Zartan browsed some other isle, Brownie wandered off into the canned food isle. Where Virus found her and decided to lay down some ground rules.

"Hello, little pig." He said, squatting down in front of the little animal. In the background, the store manager did a drunken rendition of the Pina Colada song. "let's get something straight, the woman  
is MINE, you understand?!"

Brownie looked up at him and oinked. Loudly. But, he continued on. "Now we're both members of the animal kingdom. You know it, I know it. This thing is really primal. Do you know the movie Old Yeller? Do you?! When they shot him in the end...I DIDN'T CRY!!!" The little pig squealed bloody murder, but he didn't care. He was on a roll. "And if you dotry and get between me and Andi..." grabs a tin of ham and shows it to Brownie "THIS will be your future, you got me?" Suddenly, the can of ham was torn from his hand. He looked up and saw Andi and Steve towering over him, murderous glares on the faces of them both.

"Don't. Ever. Threaten. MY. Pig!!!" Andi shouted, nailing virus in the back of the head with the tin of ham.

"Ow!" Vincent shouted.

"I don't think he got the point." Steve growled. "Want me to drive it home? I can make him feel some paiiinnn!!!!!"

"Will the three of you shut the hell up and get back over here with those groceries?" Zartan yelled at the three kids. "I swear, the pig is more civilized than you are!"

"What?" Vincent gasped. "Nooooooo!"

"Shut up and get over here!" Zartan ordered. The three teens obeyed, with Brownie trotting between Steve and Andi, save from the clutches of the resident psycho. At least for the moment.


End file.
